We all like to receive compliments. They make us feel better and can even help us find personal resolve. However, compliments can be derogatory in nature if they express or imply a genuine surprise that the person to whom they are directed possesses some skill that is quite basic for who they are. The tone of these sorts of "compliments" is usually condescending and, for the most part, my experience indicates that these compliments are used, not to be harsh, but among friends to tease each other.
However, this tactic of "derogatory compliments" can be used very hurtfully as a sort of sneak attack that provides the attacker with a built in defense mechanism. After all, the attacker is "complimenting" - right?
Wrong. My belief is that, to genuinely counteract such a derogatory compliment when it occurs, the solution is to, first, not get angry. (If you do choose to respond with anger, your response serves as circumstantial evidence to a third party that you are "emotional" or "easily upset" - neither of which are very flattering designations.) Rather, the proper response is to show intelligent surprise at the other person's surprise. Example: "It surprises me that you consider my ability to (fill in the blank) as something you wouldn't have guessed from me." By showing this surprise, you subtly inform the person who is attacking you that they can't get away with emotional cheap shots and, if they try, they will be put on the spot and called on what they are doing in an intelligent and skillful manner.
Just a thought.
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