"Joking on the square" is one name I've heard of that refers to the verbal tactic of making some statement that is very hurtful but then attempting to pass it off as a joke. This is a naturally manipulative tactic and it shows blatant disrespect for the person to whom it is directed. It can also be very complicated to deal with because, if you try to rebuke the person who made the "joking" attack in an open and honest manner they will then typically hide behind their "joking" facade and attempt to change the issue from their hurtful comment to your "apparent lack of a sense of humor". This usually gets the victim defensive about their sense of humor and how they "can so" take a joke. If the victim does choose to be defensive, this will open up future opportunities for the "joker" to hurt them even more because defending one's self will become interpreted as being "stiff" or not being "loose". In the interest of debunking this interpretation of one's character, the victim may then get confused enough to meekly allow the "joker" to really pile it on - all in the interest of showing that they can "take a joke".
It should be recognized that this would not be taking a joke. This would be allowing someone else to verbally beat you up. Poor handling of this "joking on the square" tactic may leave a person in the position of receiving pot shots and feeling guilty for wanting to fight back.
This "joking" ploy can be difficult to handle because it's possible that the only way to prevent it is to fight back with the same "joking on the square" tactic and to do it in an equally aggressive or more aggressive manner. Though this might serve as prevention for later potential encounters, it may also lead to escalation. Further, responding to this ploy with the same disrespect may create a moral issue. Is is right to do so or not? Ultimately, each person must make their own judgements.
A softer solution which may be quite ethical is one that includes saying something like, "Now, that's not nice" but doing so in a REALLY sarcastic tone. This preserves the "pseudo-joking" atmosphere yet rebukes the person for what they've done. This approach can keep things civil while maintaining the attacker's pseudo-joking atmosphere. However, in the long run, if a person continues to hide behind this "joking" tactic and continues to use it on you and others, know that such a person is probably not someone with whom you can negotiate and it may be best to simply avoid them if you can.
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